the temptations of pay

it's been a few months since my last post but i was partially employed for a few weeks on a re-shoot from hell so i feel like maybe i get a pass on this one. it's rather unfortunate but i actually have really strong work ethics and get all crazy when i feel like i can't do my job as well as i like. in some ways, i seem pretty apathetic and comfortable in my unemployed time but when i do have a job, i'm one of those crazy freaks that go all out and get personally insulted when things don't run as well as they should. this was the main reason i thought being a stage manager would be a good career choice but then i realized i'm never going to be able to control the people around me so that became more of a stressful lifestyle than solid career path. but in accounting, everything should almost be like clock-work but when the cogs refuse to turn at their corresponding speeds, all hell breaks loose and the springs start popping out and the hands start spinning aimlessly. this was what the re-shoot was like. and it makes me feel bad. like i didn't do enough to force the cogs in place. whenever i get into these funks, i swear that i will never ever EVER work on another show like this again. because i don't like feeling bad about my work and no one should be forced into a situation where everyday is like walking into a wall. BUT! i also enjoy being paid. so where do i, or should i, draw the line? if i was asked to do that job over again, would i really say no? getting paid an actual salary is much nicer than sitting around searching for a hobby when what i really want is a job. hrm...

on a different note, it is time for the holidays and since i don't really like being forced to give away presents, now i have the excuse of being broke :P but seriously, i really do think that the best presents are the ones that are inspired by the person you are gifting, not by a date on a calendar. this might be my cheap urban nature but my favorite gifts to give are the edible kind, the one that takes up no physical space after it's been eaten but was well enjoyed while it lasted. plus, this gives me a chance to practice my baking skills which might come in handy if something doesn't come along in the new year. happy holidays!

reunion weekend

so my 10-year high school reunion is coming up next weekend and i'm not even worried about the idea that i'm going to show up as an unemployee. while it's not ideal, i think with the current economic climate gives me a little bit of an excuse but also i'm pretty proud of the things i have accomplished. i went to a great undergrad, got a masters in fine arts (kinda useless i know but it was from columbia!), have done a variety of jobs and done them well and got married. my career is not where i imagined it to be, not that i can really imagine what career i should be having but i'm happy with where i am personally. when i'm not working, it's hard to always remember that there is more that defines us than just what earns us money. i have good friends, i eat amazing food and i have a supportive family. i like reading, baking, eating, cooking, shopping, doing random crafts, daydreaming, the phillies, etc. sure it would be cooler if i can say that i got that dream job at some high powered fortune 500 company and a corner condo in a high rise but that's not really my dream and while it's sometimes frustrating and depressing not to have all my ducks in a row, at least i like the ducks that i do have even if they don't all line up neatly.

baking season!

like any schizo unemployee, i have temporarily put aside my re-immersion into reading for baking! i love summer. i love it like nobody should love a sweaty humid soul-crushingly hot season. but i love it. in contrast, i HATE winter. cold weather destroys everything right in the world. but the one thing i do like about the chill that creeps into my being like the ghost of a serial killer, is that i love to bake and baking requires the type of weather that does not continue to melt the chocolate chips off my cookies. i don't bake fancy and i don't bake complicated. i like biscuits and cookies and some breads and cakes. i don't really like things that are too sweet but i do like the accomplishment of measuring everything out and mixing it all perfectly to then only pray that the oven doesn't decide to burn the crap out of my muffins tops. i like the mathematically calculability but the uncertainty that any mistake (or non-mistake) could make the whole pan implode into a brick. this makes the cold a little bit more bearable. especially since the oven also heats the house while it bakes.

re-discovering reading

as an english major, i didn't think there would ever come a day where i wouldn't be able to find a book to read. but when i moved to philadelphia two years ago, i signed up for a library card to the Free Library (i love how rather than being just public, it's free) and yesterday was my first time using it. i have to admit, i was a little scared that i wouldn't remember the right library etiquette as it had been so long but i went to the independence branch and it was crawling with after-school kids talking in what they must have thought were soft voices. it's a rather small branch, not really unexpected since the main library isn't too too far away but i was still paralyzed with my inability to select a book. i read blurb after blurb after blurb and scanned every fiction title in the joint (i'm not a particular fan of non-fiction so unless i'm researching something, i stick with the made-up stuff). it took me almost an hour to decide on a book and even then, i only picked one because i felt too lame to finally go and not check anything out. i ended up with connie wilis's "blackout" mostly because she's a nebula and hugo award winning author (it says so right on the cover!) and i figure those awards really only go to people who can tell good stories. and nowhere on the jacket does it claim that this book was "beautifully written." let me state here that that phrase has got to be grossly overused; every other book that i picked up (maybe 30 or so) would make this claim. maybe everyone does write beautifully but i think this was probably the equivalent of saying that someone is "nice" while actually meaning they are boring. i have a few rules that i choose books by and unless i know for sure through a strong personal recommendation (best sellers lists are not really my friends), i don't break them for good reason:

-if the author's name is bigger than the title, it's a no-go. titles are important and an author's celebrity is not. i do read books based on authors but they tend not to be so caught up in their own importance that they feel that their name alone can sell a book. unless your name is shakespeare, you still have to prove to me that the book alone is proof of your skills.

-if the synopsis tells me too much about the character and his/her sad traumatic background. i like stories. stories require good characters but it's plot that makes it move. if i feel that the author was more concerned with creating an entire person as opposed to an entire story, i lose interest. i don't want just an in-depth character profile, i want to know what they are doing. it's self-indulgent to keep creating characters and not give them an actual lives to live.

-if says it was "beautifully written."

not so free-lance

i'm not really sure there is much to say except that here i am, WORKING, and really just dreaming of when this will end. most people don't have the luxury (or stress) of working freelance and probably don't compartmentalize their years into the parts that they work and the parts that are lived on unemployment. but even as someone who has no idea when the next job will roll around, there is something nice about having to take mandatory vacations and never having to feel like i am leaving in the middle of something. at the end of every show, i feel a sense of completion and success at surviving the crappy long hours and having to eat lunch at my desk everyday. but then again, i also begin to feel agitated and fear of never finding employment again. there are definitely days that i long for a 9-5 that gives me a steady matching 401k for 30 years so that retirement is not just a dream. as of now, i just count the hours until the end of my very long day.

waiting for a phone call

while i am nowhere near as anxious as i was this time last year, i am still pretty on edge every so often, especially when i get news that there might be jobs coming to town. while i am a freelancer, i am trained for and work in a fairly specific sector: entertainment. first, i am NOT an actor (if i was, i could pretty much kiss any possibility of paying back student loans good-bye). but i was trained to work in the theatrical field and have in recent years slowly moved into office-y jobs in film. as such, my livelihood is pretty dependent on living in a place where projects happen and as a current resident of philadelphia, this is not exactly the happeningest place for film, at least no where near the level of nearby new york. but every now and then we get a bone tossed our way and boy, do we find ways to claw ourselves onto the bandwagon. this leads to not just stressful unemployment but stressful attainment of employment. as projects move in, we're all throwing resumes in left and right and maybe under and over and then the most dreaded waiting game. WHEN WILL I GET THE CALL?! maybe today, maybe never. i'm constantly checking my email, checking my phone, tapping past colleagues for any signs. this is all terrible for my sanity and to help relieve this, i go to the gym whenever i get too antsy. while this isn't very helpful in getting me a job, at least i'm going to look good waiting. but seriously, CALL ME.

jury duty: the most boring way to earn $9

having become a citizen in 2007, i have only recently had to experience the sad boring responsibility known as jury duty. as expected, it was not fun, it took a LONG time and i was confronted by the fact that these were not the "peers" that i would want judging me if by whatever reason i get confronted by the legal system. the employees of the court were not funny despite feeble attempts at cracking terrible jokes, the potential jurors were all antsy to leave from the git-go and i did NOT enjoy having to get there by 8:15a. the only two things that i walked away with happily were my $9 check and my freedom to not have to do this again for a while (i was not selected for a jury so hurray!!). i had already received two summonses while i was working and now that i have no job, i had no excuse to not go. plus, now i have an extra couple of bucks to buy more beer for the superbowl! i'm going to say it here: GO COLTS!

people watching (or listening)

the apartment that i share with my lovely husband overlooks a nice little street that every so often provides some entertainment, especially now that i am home a lot. normally, the drama occurs outside the house but today we have crazy man who my neighbor downstairs has decided to splitsville with in my stairwell. i awoke to the doorbell and there he was, mumbling something about how sorry he was to wake me up and that he had forgotten his keys. i noticed that he had a big thing of roses and mentally, i was like, this is weird, why don't you call my neighbor and get her to come let you in but whatever, people forget their keys and are inconsiderate all the time so why should today be different (plus, i was expecting a package and it would have been sort of rude to answer the door and then be like, NO). anyway, hours later, he's still hanging out in the stairwell, having loud conversations with her via phone saying things like "i'm not unstable" and "we have legals obligations to each other." while this is pretty entertaining (much more so than the cat poop she used to leave out on her landing, though about as equally disgusting), i would really like it if he would leave. SERIOUSLY, LEAVE SO I CAN LEAVE MY HOUSE IN PEACE!

staying healthy even if it empties my bank

staying healthy is always an admirable and attainable goal and especially important while unemployed.

while it's been nice sleeping in and pretty much doing whatever i want when i want, one of the things that i am trying to maintain a schedule for is going to the gym. i have gained a few (many) pounds thanks to being fed lunch at my desk everyday. free meals were their way of buying me out of a lunch break, gotta keep paying those bills! (i was working as an accountant for a temporary business and now that it's complete, i am back to the hateful job search.) but as i have no excuse not to try to regain some semblance of health, i have decided to join THE GYM. i'm not saying everyone should join a gym but i know that i'm better at doing something when i have money on the line, ie. gyms cost A LOT. and i have been known to utilize a gym in the past but i also use to have youth on my side and aging has made shaving off pounds exponentially harder. today was day 2 of gymming, partially enforced by my normally lovely husband. i mostly just run on the elliptical since i figure that lifting weights is way too grueling for a novice exerciser. i am happily surprised by the fact that i can still move my body for over 30 minutes at a time without passing out but saddened that this will clearly take longer than i wish. but if i am going to unemployed, at least i'm going to look good doing it! plus, finding a job is tedious and depressing task and exercise has been known to help boost the immune system AND mental health - something we can all use a little more of in this miserably cold winter.

unemployment application

yep, with no prospects in sight, i ask the government, "please, sir, may i have some of the taxes that i've diligently paid all these years back?" while it's not exactly a pleasing prospect, it will hopefully pay the bills while i search for another life plan. i've had discussions on whether taking unemployment is something i should be ashamed of but quite frankly, why should i not take advantage of the benefits that i pay into? it's not like i'm stealing or tricking the government; it's part of where my taxes go and part of the reason to pay into a government and abide by society's rules is to get the benefits. i don't hesitate to call the police when i am being robbed so why should i hesitate to accept monetary benefits that are also rightfully mine? the thing is, i would rather have a secure job and constant income but i don't, so that's what unemployment is for. jobs give me not just money, they give me confidence, a chance to meet new people and a place in the world, something that unemployment deposits can never do.

cleaning, ugh.

being back home at my mom's house, i realize what a hoarder i truly am. as i have no excuse not to, my mom has demanded that try to clean out my childhood things. not that she is trying to be cruel, but we both know that i like to treasure oddities, meaning a lot of it's crap. some of it has brought on waves of nostalgia for the days pre-employment rat race. i have old letters written to me by pen-pals, bff's and who is now my husband that reference events and people i no longer remember. i have memorabilia that have little meaning now though i still remember that at one point, it was IMPERATIVE that i buy another sticker/button/pen that had the name of whatever place we were visiting. i have photos of people i no longer keep in contact with but whose picture i am loathe to toss (thank god for digital and the little space that it requires to keep). when i am employed and busy with work, i have little time to delve into the past and recount these memories. i suppose i should take this time to reflect a bit, especially in light of the new years and all.