woe is me (mostly my teeth)

being jobless means that i have time to fix this new wisdom tooth problem that i'm having, namely that i think i need to get them removed.  but this also means no dental insurance and having to pay an extra unexpected expense (the dreaded 3 e's).  does this mean life is working itself out for me or that i'm being toyed with by fate?

the best part

i should have stated this earlier but i believe that if you are indeed unemployed, you should get as much sleep as possible.  not only is it better for your skin but in your dreams, you are NOT unemployed.  in fact, usually, having a job doesn't even matter and you might even get to do outrageously amazing things.  just the other night i dreamed that i was leading an expedition team to hunt and kill giant dinosaurs/dragons/monsters in an underground cave, all the while dodging and protecting these geysers that would burst randomly (i don't really understand how we could have damaged a geyser but it was definitely not allowed).  i had a giant laser gun and was more athletic than i possibly could be awake.  

idea of the day:  while having a nice waking life would be good too, having a badass dream life can make most days worth making it through since sleep is just around the corner.

laid off before i got to start

so i finally thought i landed a job, a short-term gig to be sure but still, something that paid weekly for six or so weeks.  i had a great interview, the location was close to my house and it might actually even be fun.  i got called later that day and was told it was mine if i wanted it and i was to start on the 16th (yes, today was to be my first day).  then on friday, i get the dreaded voicemail.  i was on the phone and another call beeps in.  i feel the dread sink in as i recognize the area code and instead of picking it up, i let it go through voicemail, hoping that maybe i was wrong and it was a misdial.  but sure enough, when i check my messages, a familiar voice sounded and yep, the company had decided to "go another route" and was no longer setting up offices in philly.  wft?!  what kind of game are they playing that they would tug at the heartstrings of a desperate unemployed only to close the door on her face DAYS before her first payday?  so instead of getting up at 7a this morning all excited about meeting new colleagues and learning about accounting, i sleep in late, wake up despondent and try to focus my energies on finding a dentist as my wisdom tooth has chosen this exact moment in my life to start causing trouble.  at first, it seemed like march was the month that everything was coming up me.  i got free beer at a restaurant, it was my birthday, i got a job.  now, i am still unemployed, have pain in my gums and have to start looking for jobs.  AGAIN.  the best part of finding a job was no longer having to look for one.  sigh.

interestingly, i took the loss pretty well.  i had spent the week between landing and losing the gig feeling a terrible premonition that it was all going to slip through my fingers somehow.  so when i got the call, i was disappointed but not quite surprised.  maybe this is a sign; i should try my hand at fortune-telling.  i already own the tarot cards so i just need a card table and i've got myself a business.

desperation

i know that i've come to a rather desperate state when i see nuns and priests and think, "that's gotta be nice. they don't have to worry about needing money for rent or food or clothes. they don't even have to look for a job. too bad i'm married and like things too much. but i could probably learn to pretend to believe in god."

being better

nothing can be worse for an unemployed than to watch cnn everyday and listen to announcements of yet another list of companies who are having layoffs.  last week: at least 70,000 jobs.  this week: more.  even worse might be the tips about how people are "dumbing down" their resumes so that they can get an interview.  why are we looking to be the lowest common denominator?  when did we become a country where being less experienced, less educated meant more likelihood of gaining not employment but just the interview?  the american dream was all about working hard, getting good educations for your children and retiring with dignity and security.  now we try our best to pass off as docile, malleable drone workers that won't cause ripples.  we forget that part of what made this country powerful and respected was the ingenuity and determination of its people.  we used to not be afraid to explore new ideas and attain higher goals.  when i hear my friends talk about how they are quietly trying to hold onto their jobs by not bringing attention to themselves, i feel so frustrated because we were taught to be bold.  in times of crisis, we need to be bigger than ourselves and let the fear of failure overwhelm us.  while i too am scared of my current state of unemployment, i refuse to be less than what i am.  that's not saying i wouldn't take a boring office job to pay the bills (heck, i'll take a cashier job at whole foods) but my employers should always know that when they hire me, i come with talent, work ethic and possibility.  i will always give my best so it's up to them to put me to use wisely.

trying to keep my chin up

after about 3 months of solid unemployment, my willfully imposed belief that my current status is not really my fault - the recession couldn't have been predicted, lots of other people are losing their jobs, that the christmas season made it impossible to really do a proper search - is starting to wear thin.  even i can only convince myself of so much; excuses do have a expiration date.  it's not that i haven't been looking for work so much as i'm starting to realize that drastic measures might need to be taken soon if i'm not to go crazy with my many hours of wasted time.  not having to go to work sounds fun but if i'm not going to start getting rewards for having attended as much school as i have, well, what was the point?  if i had just joined the workforce right out of college, maybe i would be a manager somewhere complaining about her job but at least i would also be secretly relieved that i had one.  those student loans are starting to bear down on me and it is not fun watching my bank account get depleted.  so what now?

to spend my time more wisely, i think i'm going to:

1) find something i can intern/volunteer at even if i make no money.  i think the key to my slump may be productivity and that even if i can't do something with a monetary value, at least i should be able to find something that absorbs my restless energy and might add to my resume.

2) start writing my book. i should find some constructive way to apply some of that nice English degree even if my nice Theatre degree is failing me.

3) finish zelda: twilight princess and get platinum status on all my wii sports practice levels.  i am at the final boss and i got two platinum statuses today.  if i have a gaming console that makes me get off my butt the way reading blogs cannot, i might as well try to stay in shape.  (i also go to the gym to do this but that is less fun and more sweaty.)

i'll get started on all that tomorrow.  after i wake up at noon.

a holiday of uncomfortable questions

if your holiday was anything like mine, it included family get-togethers where there's lots of food and chatting. while this part is innocuous enough, the inevitable question of "so, how's the job search going?" or some variation thereof pops up and silence fills the room.  while i uncomfortably try to swallow a suddenly dry piece of bread, i reach for my glass of water to take up some time before i mumble something about the recession and hiring freezes and that at least i'm doing okay since i had some money saved.  everyone kinda looks at me with a small amount of pity and then tries to change the subject.  or else, they all try to give me advice since those with jobs must know more on how to find a job.  while i understand everyone's just trying to be helpful and make conversation, the commenting sounds more like constant nagging and rehashing of a character flaw that i am very well aware of (it seems crazy but i do remember what having a job is like and i actually do enjoy having a paid purpose in life).  through the weeks, i have found that the easiest way to not get too irritated is by deflecting most questions with a certain amount of humor (ie. thank goodness i was born during the age of the internet or else i would be bored out of my mind).  also, i have found my number one stock phrase when questioned about what is it that i do: "i'm between things."