time flies when i'm watching tv

again i let months go by without posting and i have nothing to show for the absence. i was not employed and i was not dying. i simply forgot. but here i am, typing away, still unemployed. this has been one very long stretch and even though i have been busy with other things (friends getting married, birthday bar crawling, nyc visiting, condo buying [!]) i am beginning to lose my mind a little with the endless summer days. even i can only watch so many hours of sportscenter or hgtv. so i have said what i won't do (again) and will be working a few weeks out of town. i don't like to do this because i don't like leaving my husband or my new home but grown up life calls. my resume needs a little pick-me-up and buying a new home costs money. it's not good to let my skills get too rusty and this should only last a few weeks. at least this will give me a real excuse to not go to the gym.

money is evil

so even though i said i wouldn't do it again, i went right ahead and did it. reshoot #2 came along and i still had no job and after a bit of salary negotiation, i signed on for another bout of hell. yes, i like banging my head into walls. this one might have actually been worse than the last one but i was getting paid more so at least i had the mantra of "do it for the money." while i have since survived (and it took me a few weeks of recuperation before i could write about it because every time i would start thinking about it my mind would explode into a swirling mass of irate), i must say, money IS the root of all evil. it really does make me do things that i never would otherwise. like randomly sign up for psych/social experiments in college or once i donated blood to get free movie tickets (i was a regular donor anyway but that time in particular i did it for the tickets). it's hard to inference but i really do like my job regularly, just not when it's batshit crazy. maybe one day i can have real scruples but as an unemployed 28 11/12 year old woman who is contemplating future goals, scruples will have to wait. blah.

the temptations of pay

it's been a few months since my last post but i was partially employed for a few weeks on a re-shoot from hell so i feel like maybe i get a pass on this one. it's rather unfortunate but i actually have really strong work ethics and get all crazy when i feel like i can't do my job as well as i like. in some ways, i seem pretty apathetic and comfortable in my unemployed time but when i do have a job, i'm one of those crazy freaks that go all out and get personally insulted when things don't run as well as they should. this was the main reason i thought being a stage manager would be a good career choice but then i realized i'm never going to be able to control the people around me so that became more of a stressful lifestyle than solid career path. but in accounting, everything should almost be like clock-work but when the cogs refuse to turn at their corresponding speeds, all hell breaks loose and the springs start popping out and the hands start spinning aimlessly. this was what the re-shoot was like. and it makes me feel bad. like i didn't do enough to force the cogs in place. whenever i get into these funks, i swear that i will never ever EVER work on another show like this again. because i don't like feeling bad about my work and no one should be forced into a situation where everyday is like walking into a wall. BUT! i also enjoy being paid. so where do i, or should i, draw the line? if i was asked to do that job over again, would i really say no? getting paid an actual salary is much nicer than sitting around searching for a hobby when what i really want is a job. hrm...

on a different note, it is time for the holidays and since i don't really like being forced to give away presents, now i have the excuse of being broke :P but seriously, i really do think that the best presents are the ones that are inspired by the person you are gifting, not by a date on a calendar. this might be my cheap urban nature but my favorite gifts to give are the edible kind, the one that takes up no physical space after it's been eaten but was well enjoyed while it lasted. plus, this gives me a chance to practice my baking skills which might come in handy if something doesn't come along in the new year. happy holidays!

reunion weekend

so my 10-year high school reunion is coming up next weekend and i'm not even worried about the idea that i'm going to show up as an unemployee. while it's not ideal, i think with the current economic climate gives me a little bit of an excuse but also i'm pretty proud of the things i have accomplished. i went to a great undergrad, got a masters in fine arts (kinda useless i know but it was from columbia!), have done a variety of jobs and done them well and got married. my career is not where i imagined it to be, not that i can really imagine what career i should be having but i'm happy with where i am personally. when i'm not working, it's hard to always remember that there is more that defines us than just what earns us money. i have good friends, i eat amazing food and i have a supportive family. i like reading, baking, eating, cooking, shopping, doing random crafts, daydreaming, the phillies, etc. sure it would be cooler if i can say that i got that dream job at some high powered fortune 500 company and a corner condo in a high rise but that's not really my dream and while it's sometimes frustrating and depressing not to have all my ducks in a row, at least i like the ducks that i do have even if they don't all line up neatly.

baking season!

like any schizo unemployee, i have temporarily put aside my re-immersion into reading for baking! i love summer. i love it like nobody should love a sweaty humid soul-crushingly hot season. but i love it. in contrast, i HATE winter. cold weather destroys everything right in the world. but the one thing i do like about the chill that creeps into my being like the ghost of a serial killer, is that i love to bake and baking requires the type of weather that does not continue to melt the chocolate chips off my cookies. i don't bake fancy and i don't bake complicated. i like biscuits and cookies and some breads and cakes. i don't really like things that are too sweet but i do like the accomplishment of measuring everything out and mixing it all perfectly to then only pray that the oven doesn't decide to burn the crap out of my muffins tops. i like the mathematically calculability but the uncertainty that any mistake (or non-mistake) could make the whole pan implode into a brick. this makes the cold a little bit more bearable. especially since the oven also heats the house while it bakes.

re-discovering reading

as an english major, i didn't think there would ever come a day where i wouldn't be able to find a book to read. but when i moved to philadelphia two years ago, i signed up for a library card to the Free Library (i love how rather than being just public, it's free) and yesterday was my first time using it. i have to admit, i was a little scared that i wouldn't remember the right library etiquette as it had been so long but i went to the independence branch and it was crawling with after-school kids talking in what they must have thought were soft voices. it's a rather small branch, not really unexpected since the main library isn't too too far away but i was still paralyzed with my inability to select a book. i read blurb after blurb after blurb and scanned every fiction title in the joint (i'm not a particular fan of non-fiction so unless i'm researching something, i stick with the made-up stuff). it took me almost an hour to decide on a book and even then, i only picked one because i felt too lame to finally go and not check anything out. i ended up with connie wilis's "blackout" mostly because she's a nebula and hugo award winning author (it says so right on the cover!) and i figure those awards really only go to people who can tell good stories. and nowhere on the jacket does it claim that this book was "beautifully written." let me state here that that phrase has got to be grossly overused; every other book that i picked up (maybe 30 or so) would make this claim. maybe everyone does write beautifully but i think this was probably the equivalent of saying that someone is "nice" while actually meaning they are boring. i have a few rules that i choose books by and unless i know for sure through a strong personal recommendation (best sellers lists are not really my friends), i don't break them for good reason:

-if the author's name is bigger than the title, it's a no-go. titles are important and an author's celebrity is not. i do read books based on authors but they tend not to be so caught up in their own importance that they feel that their name alone can sell a book. unless your name is shakespeare, you still have to prove to me that the book alone is proof of your skills.

-if the synopsis tells me too much about the character and his/her sad traumatic background. i like stories. stories require good characters but it's plot that makes it move. if i feel that the author was more concerned with creating an entire person as opposed to an entire story, i lose interest. i don't want just an in-depth character profile, i want to know what they are doing. it's self-indulgent to keep creating characters and not give them an actual lives to live.

-if says it was "beautifully written."

not so free-lance

i'm not really sure there is much to say except that here i am, WORKING, and really just dreaming of when this will end. most people don't have the luxury (or stress) of working freelance and probably don't compartmentalize their years into the parts that they work and the parts that are lived on unemployment. but even as someone who has no idea when the next job will roll around, there is something nice about having to take mandatory vacations and never having to feel like i am leaving in the middle of something. at the end of every show, i feel a sense of completion and success at surviving the crappy long hours and having to eat lunch at my desk everyday. but then again, i also begin to feel agitated and fear of never finding employment again. there are definitely days that i long for a 9-5 that gives me a steady matching 401k for 30 years so that retirement is not just a dream. as of now, i just count the hours until the end of my very long day.